Becoming a Believer

I had to repent.

I’ve always struggled to label what I am, in my faith. I feel awkward asking someone when they became a follower of Christ. I’ve always had a hard time putting the right words to it. It’s not that any of the ways to describe who we are are wrong, but they just never seem to feel genuine. Are you born again? Do you follow Jesus? When did you learn of His ways? None of those statements is incorrect or wrong to ask, but somehow they just seem to hit the mark…for me at least.

Tonight, I became a believer again. Here’s the nod to my opening statement: I had to repent. I have legitimately lived most of my Christian life as a person who does not believe. Remove the religious, Christianese here. I was one who actively participated in unbelief or disbelief or the lack of belief. My actions spoke for themselves. Until tonight, that is. Honestly, I was unaware of my unbelief. I pray. I worship. I love God. I love His people. But when it really comes down to the nitty gritty, i.e; those moments that require a level up of faith and confidence, I balk and fade at ‘belief’. Here’s how I know: when I close my eyes most of the time and pretend ot be praying or trusting the Lord I mostly hear my own voice, my own thoughts.

But something happened tonight. I was on a drive from Orlando to Dallas, helping my brother and family move. I had a YouTube video on of the Upperroom worship team in one of their weekly sets. I was singing along, blindly unaware of a single lyric being sung. How could this be? This was worship, the most reverent and opportune time to give Glory and Honor to God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. But I was in the clouds….until she spoke: “Jesus show us your face. Jesus, help us to believe that you are in this room. Come Lord Jesus, Come.” She continued on and here whole message could be summed up like this:

My heart about leapt out of my chest. I instantly was aware that Jesus could full well be sitting in the passenger seat of the truck. And he was, I just couldn’t see Him with my natural eyes. I imagined myself in that moment being unable to break my gaze from His eyes. I imagined, and even felt deeply, His eyes looking back on me with such intense pleasure and satisfaction. Even now, I feel His indescribable joy when He thinks of me. And I Him. I remember crying out for His forgiveness in that I live soooo much of my life forgetting He is real. He lived in the flesh, He died in the flesh, He rose in the flesh. I’ve lived so many days, weeks, months fretting over so many fleeting things….but His realness is never in question. I am running out of words to describe this, but the feeling in my heart and fingertips right now is that there is an unlearned language to describe the magnitude of this revelation.

Back in the truck, I imagined Jesus walking down the main aisle of that church (that I was streaming on my phone). I saw Him entering, one step at a time. But I saw it in slow motion. As each of His feet touched the ground I envisioned a shock wave pulsing through the seats and corridors and city streets. His eyes set on his prize, His bride. With every step closer, the earth quaked deeper. His mere presence was more than I could bear.

I wept as I encountered His heart’s forgiveness for my unbelief. He is so compassionate. I wept deeper as I knew He was solidifying my belief in Him. He laughed and I wept more. His joy was so joyous that it broke my heart….how is that even possible? I genuinely and most definitely have not had a moment that intimate with Him ever before….and for that I feel two things: first, regret for not believing sooner and second, joy for knowing He is so real!

Closing this off: I ‘believed’ in God most of my life. But the belief I have just described is completely different. Before, I had a belief in the knowledge that He exists. But now, I have the inability to forget what I encountered and in turn cannot live in ‘unbelief’. I have experienced the realness of God. I am forever changed.

Jesus, I am posting this public prayer to you for those that don’t believe. I type this with tears in my eyes as I pray and hope and yearn for You to become real to all those who call You lord. Jesus, thanks for being so good and so specific in your pursuit of your bride. I pray for those who don’t know you yet, I ask that you continue to pursue them and arise in their life people who would be sign posts that point directly to You. I ask for a love that conquers all forms of evil. Invade our quiet, secret places. Maranatha. Come, Lord Jesus, Come!!!!!!!